


What to do when your wife is stubborn

by inheritanceofgeek



Series: Parenthood does wonders for you, Darling [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, Family, Fluff, I know! Boobs used for the reason boobs exist. Wild., Kid Fic, Parenthood, breast feeding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-19 00:52:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11886465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inheritanceofgeek/pseuds/inheritanceofgeek
Summary: Percy is growing ever concerned for the physical and mental health of his wife, and decides it's time to get a wet nurse to spread the load a little bit. The problem is that Vex'ahlia refuses to admit when she's in over her head. Going behind her back might mean the end of their marriage (and his life) but at least it will give her some level of relief, right?Featuring giant fury Step-sons, awesome lady pirates, and tits.





	What to do when your wife is stubborn

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as just a drabble, and I don't know a lot about babies so if this is all nonsense then you know, please forgive me?

Vex was determined as ever that Percy and her would be the ones to raise their children. She never wanted them to feel like they were unloved, that she was pushing them aside, that she didn't have time for them. Percy knew why it was, he understood it, really he did. It was what he wanted for their boys as well, but it was clear to him that she was suffering. 

There simply were some things he couldn't help with, given his biology. He’d looked into it! He’d asked Keyleth if a true Polymorph spell might work to give him the necessary endowments, but without having actually given birth there was no way he'd be of any use. Scanlan had tried it on him anyway, which perhaps might have lead to a particularly exciting evening with Vex'ahlia, had she been a little more awake. Instead he'd just used it to mess with Grog’s head for a bit. But that was beside the point. 

The fact was, loath as she was to admit it, Vex needed help. It was just too much to breast feed two children at once. There was no shame in it, plenty of women went through the same troubles and they didn't have a whole cavern of gold to fall back on. They, however did. 

“Please Vex'ahlia, please let's just get a Wet Nurse.” He begged again as he tried to get Tiberius to shut up for five seconds whilst his brother was seen to. “It’d make all our lives so much easier.” 

“No,” she snapped back “if my mother could do it, then so can I! I told you, we are going to be here for our children. We will not pass them off to others, we will not leave them to nannies or tutors or any of that. I will not be my father!” 

“I know,” he sighed, wishing that he could just cast the silencing spell on his son. But he'd been informed of the potential dangers that could incur. “But you are not your mother, and you don't have to go through what she did just to prove a point!” 

“No, Percival. That's the final word on it.” she said, and signalled for the change over. Percy sighed again as he went about burping Kerrek. Vex'ahlia still had massive bags under her eyes that looked even worse for how pale she was. She was giving this her all, but her all wasn't enough. That decided it then, if he couldn't convince her he’d have to go behind her back. It might signal the end of their marriage, but if it would give her even a minute of relief it was worth it. 

He’d been keeping his ears open for a suitable candidate for a while now. There were more professional ones obviously, but he knew straight away that a pompous high born woman would never stand a chance against them. They needed a firmer hand, and after some careful investigation and delicate persuasion, he finally found the perfect person for the role. 

He just hoped that Vex would approve once she actually met them… 

*

Vex had fully intended to just keep her eyes shut for five minutes. A quick doze in the lounge whilst the babies slept peacefully and didn't need any attention. Percy was with them now anyway, keeping an eye on them whilst he made an attempt to deal with the mountains of paperwork that had arrived for them. It was just signatures really, their various deputies had already done most of the actual work, but it still all needed reading. They’d paid the price before on failure to comprehend a contract, and it was not a mistake they were willing to repeat. 

She must have been asleep for longer than she’d thought though, because when she'd gone to sleep she could have sworn the sun was higher in the sky. Why hadn't anyone come to wake her up? The kids must have been screaming for her by now, what had happened? Was there something wrong with them? Had there been an accident? Had there been an attack and that was why nobody has come to her because they were all dead? She grabbed at her necklace and looked down, no, it was the same pale pink colour it had been for six years. That was a comfort at least, although… although if Percy's connection to the amulet had been severed… 

She threw off the blanket some thoughtless idiot had put over her and leapt to her feet. Fenthras was in her room, but she still had Vax’s daggers in her belt and Trinket by her side. He too seemed to have drifted off, but Vex’s scrabbling panic had awoken him and soon he too was chasing her out of the room and towards the nursery. Vex flung the door open and her heart stopped still. 

There, looming over her sons’ crib was a stranger, a black cloak strung over her shoulders. She already had one of them in her arms, and did not look as though she would be willing to let go. 

Vex instinctively reached for a dagger and by the time the person looked up, she was already charging. 

“Put my son down or I swear to Pelor I will--” she aimed to strike but her wrist was caught by a firm fist. An accomplice! She tried to tug it out of her grasp but it was too strong a hold. 

“Vex'ahlia, please--” 

“--let go of me you--”

“--Calm down, it's alright.” Said Percival, “drop the dagger. The boys are fine, see, I’ve got Tiberius with me now. Happy as a Halfling in a bar fight.” 

Vex felt her rage subside slightly, and indeed, there was Tiberius babbling away and looking up at her with curious blue eyes. The dagger clattered to the floor as she scooped him up into her own arms and clutched him tightly to her chest. 

“Percival, what's going on here?” 

Her husband took a careful step and stood between her and the stranger. Vex's finger itched to pick up another dagger, but she still didn’t have a good sight of Kerrek, his head tucked under the fold of her cloak. She couldn't risk throwing a blade in fear of hitting him 

Trinket looked between the two of them, uncertain whether he should continue on his attack. 

“It's alright Trinket,” said Percy looking towards him “your baby brothers are alright. There's nothing to be worried about, this is Marjanah, she's here to help us.” 

“A pleasure to meet you,” answered the stranger with a casual ease that suggested they were meeting in a shop rather than in the middle of a potential knife fight. One that, now she could get a proper look at the woman, Vex'ahlia was not sure she would win. Her accent was distinctly Marquesian, but her clothing was more that of Whitestone style. Her black hair was tied into a long plait down her back, and she moved with a certain swing to her hips that spoke of intense confidence in all things. 

“What are you doing here?” Vex asked, still on her guard, “Who are you, and why do you still have my son when I instructed you to put him down.” 

“I’m sorry,” she answered, with no sincerity at all “I was under the impression that your son might quite like to continue feeding.” She swept into the armchair as though it were a throne, and looked up at Vex with a challenging smirk. She let her cloak slip to the floor and indeed, there was Kerrek, happily sucking away without a care in the world. Vex couldn't help the hurt noise that came out of her at the sight. She felt like she was being replaced, like she was being denied a basic right to her children. 

She knew what this woman was now and couldn't begrudge her for being here exactly. She was incredibly rude and unnecessarily dramatic, but it wasn't exactly her fault she was here. It was Percival's. 

She turned her gaze onto him now and she could see him begin to burn in the heat of her gaze. 

“Now, Vex'ahlia,” he said, backing away slightly “I know you're upset but this is for the best.”

“Is it Percival, is it _really._ ” 

“Yes, think about it, last week would you really have had the energy to threaten me?” 

“Oh I always have the energy to kick your arse Percival Fredrickstein--”

“--Vex’ahlia dear please, I just thought it would be best if you--” 

“--Von Musel Klossowski--” 

“-- could get a little bit more sleep and take a break from--

“-de Rolo the third.”

“You wouldn't really kill the father of your children, would you?” 

“Trinket!” She glowered by way of an answer, “You know what to do Buddy.” 

The bear only looked slightly apologetic before running forward and easily slamming Percival to the ground, his shout of pain hidden beneath the thud of 600 kilos of fur and muscle hitting ancient oak floorboards. 

“Nicely done.” Commented Marjanah, “I’ve seen plenty of women take on their husbands before, but you, madame, you do it with such wonderful style. It is a pleasure to watch.” 

“And enough of your Bull Shit too.” She snapped, “I understand that you are here to do a job, but it is not a job that needs doing.” 

“Vex'ahlia, please at least don't-- urkh!” Cried Percival from the floor, the familiar sounds of Trinket's slobbery affections cutting him off. Marjanah gave out a bright, merciless laugh as she watched on, Kerrek still clutched in her arms as he paid absolutely no attention to the plight of his father. 

“You were right, Percival, this job is a lot more exciting than I thought it would be.” 

Percy’s response was only a vague thumbs up as he still contended with his step-son’s bulky form. 

“Please, Baroness,” she said, addressing Vex'ahlia now “I understand that you did not want a wet nurse, but I did not want to be a wet nurse either. So really we are most suitable for each other, no?” 

Vex looked at her through squinted eyes, trying to work her out a little better. She appeared human, though there was certainly some sort of mystical presence about her, though that could have been her sheer amount of charisma. Even though her skin was naturally dark, it was clear that there was still an innate tan on her neck and hands that spoke of a life spent working outside. Her body was lithe and muscular, but she too seemed to bare the same mix of stretch-marks and scars across her chest as Vex did. 

“What happened to your own child?” Asked Vex, gently stroking Tiberius’ head like a comforter “if you're not a professional, then how come--” 

“Sahar is with my sister, back in Ank’Harel, where she is safe and well looked after I am assured.” 

“And you’re not with her because…” Vex tried to keep any sound of judgement out of her voice, but it was hard sometimes. She had a personal grudge against a parent who had as-good-as abandoned her, and it was hard to deal with anyone who hinted at having done the same. Even though she knew there were a hundred different reasons to do so. 

“Because for some reason the city guards did not take well to finding a known pirate wandering their streets. I may have made a bit of a name for myself in that corner of the world. When I became pregnant, I fully intended to return home to start up a normal life again, but I was perhaps not as stealthy as I could have been…” 

“And they caught you entering the city?”

“And they caught me entering the city.” She nodded in agreement, “My daughter was allowed to stay, but I was banished. Well, I know that my sister and her wife would provide better for her than I could, and so took her up on the offer. Rest assured, Lady Vex'ahlia, that I did not leave her willingly. This was the best course of action for her sake, the best life I could give her for now. I will go back and be with her again one day, I am certain, but for now, here I am.” 

“And the father?” she asked carefully, not wanting to delve too deeply but still, she had her son's mouth wrapped around her tit, it wasn't like there was much room left for manners. 

“Well, there are several possibilities,” the woman grinned “but none I particularly care to mention.” Vex couldn't help but start to like this woman. It frustrated her no end, but there were more stories to be had here.

“So why come to Whitestone? Why come half way across the world when you could have remained nearer your daughter and been happier?” 

“Pirate, remember?” She said in response. “I’m not sure there's anywhere in Marquet I could safely go.” 

“You do realise that you are saying all this to the Lord and Lady of Whitestone?” Said Vex with a raised eyebrow, “we could be just as likely to throw you in jail.”

“Ah yes, but I come so highly recommend by one Captain Damon. He told me to come here, and so here I came.” 

“You know Captain Damon!” Vex said with perhaps a tad more excitement than she intended to. Tiberius gave her a very dirty look for jostling him, but he seemed to be enjoying the inane sounds of conversation nonetheless. 

“Yes, and very handsome he is too.” Winked Marjanah 

“ _So_ handsome,” agreed Vex with a grin before adding in a bright voice “Not as handsome as you though Dear!” 

“All I needed to hear.” Came the weak response from the floor 

“So” she continued, relaxing back into the chair now as she continued their conversation-come-interview “the Captain sent you here to get work as a wet nurse? That doesn't sound like him very much.” 

“Well no,” said Marjanah reasonably “he sent me here with the idea that I might work as a guard of some sort, with your friend Jarrett perhaps, but my milk… well. It had other ideas. I suppose you could say that it missed my baby too. In the middle of my trial. It was, well, not so much as embarrassing, but more, inconvenient.” She shrugged, shifting Kerrek away from her now that he seemed to be done and cradling her in the same way Vex'ahlia had Tiberius, gently patting him on the back to burp him. 

“That, yes, I can imagine that would be rather awkward,” nodded Vex, “but that still doesn't explain why you are here now.”

“Ah, well,” she smiled “it seems fortune smiles on me as the story got back up to your husband. He came to find me, explained the situation, explained how much gold was in it for me,” her eyes twinkled again and Vex'ahlia understood that magpie look all too well. “And so I agreed to help, after all, I do need to make sure I don't leave my poor daughter going hungry back in Ank’Haral. Your husband somehow thought you and I would get on better than any of the other women that may have applied for the position.” 

“I didn't want anyone to begin with.” She said, thinned lipped. “I told him I could do this by myself, I don't need anyone else to--”

“--but sometimes it is good to have the help anyway. You do not need it, maybe, but why not make the most of the help? One baby is hard enough, you have only the energy for one child and so it must be split in half. Now you can give all your energy to both your children as someone splits the load. It is only logical, after all. Besides, what is the point of having money if you do not use it to make your life easier?” Grinned Marjanah, showing each one of her glimmering white teeth. 

Vex'ahlia sighed again, and looked down at Tiberius who’d clearly gotten bored and fallen asleep, making tiny snuffling noises against her shirt.

“So instead of a prissy Nobel woman with a sense of duty and service, my husband employs a beautiful pirate with a sense of humour and a daughter who she needs to provide for, and no doubt many wonderful tales of the sea to keep us entertained.” mused Vex'ahlia, turning the whole situation over in her mind. 

“Sounds about right.” Marjanah nodded “So, what do you think of me, my lady?”

Vex'ahlia snorted at the title, “I think by this point with your tits still out you can just call me Vex. Everyone else who matters to these boys does. If you're going to be our wet nurse then you might as well be our friend too.” 

“So I can stay?” She asked, and it seemed that a small amount of facade had fallen from her. A.mask of deviancy and determination had slipped to reveal a woman simply trying her best to keep her family alive in whatever way she could. 

“Yes, you can stay. So long,” Vex added, raising a finger “you continue to tell such amazing stories. I want to know all about your time at sea, so as I can tell them to my sons when they're older and know just how cool their wet nurse was.” 

“That, I can easily do.” Grinned Marjanah, bowing slightly in Marquesian fashion. She returned the motion and the two women sat back in silence, letting their charges snooze against them still. 

“Am I forgiven yet?” Asked Percival after a little while. His voice was hopeful, but still nervous. 

“Not quite.” Said Vex'ahlia, feeling her eyes begin to drift shut again, “but you can make it up to me tonight, I’m sure.” 

“With every ounce of my being!” He replied, and Vex hummed in response, too tired to acknowledge Marjanah's smirk

“Um, any chance of getting Trinket off of me?”

“Fine.” She mumbled “Trinket, let him go.” 

Percy heaved a great sigh of relief as the bear clambered off of him. He wasn't as fit as he once was, peace was all well and good, but it did tend to result in a lot more sitting down. And a lot more access to cake and pie. He cautiously wandered over to her, intending to give his wife a kids as a thank you, but she was already fast asleep. He looked over and saw that Marjanah was also seemingly ready to drop off. With a sigh he slowly bought over the blankets and wrapped them up in them before returning to his work. 

Their family seemed to always be growing in strange new ways, and he looked forward to seeing how it would develop further. Still, for now, as he signed off their names one by one, he let his mind wander to the various ways he might be able to make it up to Vex'ahlia. Taking into consideration how much energy she might have now. Maybe he could see if Keyleth was still up for performing that polymorph spell one more time…

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoyed this? Let me know via Kudos/Comments or on Tumblr where I'm mrsmarymorstan =)


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